Queer Joy, Just When I Needed it Most

Queer Joy, Just When I Needed it Most

This is going to be a very shorty first blog post...

Probably not formatted correctly.

Very unprofessional and informal.

Definitely flavored with the chaos and thought dump so often accompanying a first draft written by a neurospicy individual.

  I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on June 2024. The first Pride Month that I was kinda loud and annoying about my queer and non-binary identity. I started June at a major low. I was burnt out, anxiety riddled, and experiencing a ton of imposter syndrome and dysphoria. Over the month, I made the decision to really pay attention to the gifts in my life. My art, my family and friends, my sexuality and gender expression. I wanted to log these little gifts away as a balm for my tired heart. My realization at the end of the month? All of these gifts are touched by queerness.

  As a late bloomer, (I'm 31 and have never officially "come out") that is in a het-passing relationship (my partner and I are both queer and non-binary), I have often struggled to feel at home in queer spaces. I'm sure many queer individuals share this experience, especially ones like me that spent years hiding and denying that identity. In 2020 I started to unpick the knot that years of denial and religious trauma had done around my identity. I've found nothing but beauty and love at the center of that knot.

[a self portrait from 2020, the year I started really digging into my feelings about my sexuality and gender identity. Art helped me process those feelings. Art is a Queer Gift]

 Through years of unpicking and processing and loving, I think I've realized that it takes time to feel at home in any place. You don't walk into a new house, or relationship, job, etc. and feel settled right away. It's the dedicated work, owning your role in the space, and finding the things that you love, that over time, gives you the cozy and peaceful warm fuzzies. I've spent a few years nestling into the gift of my queerness, and now I finally feel at home.

[a selfie from the day after I shaved my head, July 2022. I felt beautiful and like ME for the first time in my life. Gender affirming care and gender affirming expression are Queer Gifts]

  Over this sweet month of Pride, from starting at such a low point, I got to have these gifts revealed to me at a pace where I feel I was able to appreciate each one to the fullest. I spent so much time with my queer family and friends. I made gay art. I went to pride. I went to our local gay club for drag shows, drag has been a comfort and a life saving art form for me at many points in my life. I felt gender euphoria like I never have before. The gender euphoria often looks like me shouting "but I'm not a girl!!!" after referring to myself as such...whatever works, right? I realized that because I am finally being honest and living without shame, everything good in my life is a gift touched by queerness. 

[a photo of my partner and I at a local drag show. Queer spaces are a Gift]

   I'm going to wrap up this thought-dump-nothing-burger by saying if you're still reading this, thank you for sticking with me. I know it was rough, but I haven't written anything like this in YEARS so I'm quite rusty. The next post will be much better and more informative...maybe... at least it won't be written by AI. I hope that your pride month was filled to the brim with the gift of queerness. I'm so incredibly thankful that my whole life is.

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